When Artemis Met Authoress And Went Insane
by BlackMajikk
Summary: In which WAY too many traumatizing things happen, incuding the Return of the Authoress, The Absence of Fish, A Flat and Round and Squishy Eeelephant, and The Introduction that is Better Than Pie. This is what REALLY happens post-Time Paradox. Don't let t-
1. The Introduction That Is Better Than Pie

The Introduction That Is Better Than Pie. Oh Yeah. I Said It. And This IS The Ttitle.

Once upon a time, there was an adorably retarded genius named Artemis Fowl. Now there are three things you should know about young Arty. Well, actually, there are three thousand and five, but I feel lazy today, and I'll tell you most of them later, so shaddup.

Thing Number One: Artemis is a genius, but by the supreme powers of the Authoress, he is not only socially retarded, he randomly forgets things he really should know. Like the name of his goldfish, or the fact that chicken is edible, and not trying to kill him.

Thing Number Two: Artemis Fowl is a basket case. No, seriously. He has (deep breath) schizophrenia, ADD, ADHD, a Napoleon Complex, an irrational fear of lollipops, Short-term memory loss, and Fangirls. Eoin Colfer didn't want us to have nightmares, so he didn't tell us that, and the horrible truth that I am going to tell you now. All right, here it is. Read if you dare. Shortly after the Time Paradox … Artemis became…A CROSSDRESSER. Now that isn't so bad…until the mental image comes. (BURNED EYEEES!!!)

Thing Number Three: Arty has a machine gun.

NOW! ON TO THE FIC!

….Next week.

No, seriously.

Special Guest upon Request!

Hey! That's a rhymer!


	2. That One Time: The Lamest Revenge

**Hey-za, people!**

**So, this is the beginning of something new and Be- Ah- OO-Ti –Full, namely the start of my second random (and illegal- shhh) fanfic, despite the fact that I never finished the first one. **

**I'm being WAY too coherent, am I not? **

**So YA mi pee-ah-ples!!! Dis is wat dat be!**

**No, that's kind of disturbing to the soul innit? **

**Eh, I'll just figure it out as I go along the FABULOUS way. **

**So in this wonderfulllyfull tale d'mine, Artemis Fowl, His Most Geniusliness, will be WONDERFABULOUSLYSOME! He shall eat cookies and be random! He will be afraid of lollipop! He'll Hang Wit Da Authoress! He'll become clinically insane! (izz a sighde egffect off hahngihn wight daghhh Authaghress)**

**And the LEP, Butler, Juliet, and Other People are coming too! Yay! So here they are!**

Artemis: What is the meaning of this? I demand a lawyer!

Juliet: Artemis, you poor dumb genius, we're not under arrest, we've been taken from our homes in the dead of the night presumably to a horrible and painful death perhaps after weeks of physical and psychological torture. You might want to demand a rubba ducky, or a blankie.

Holly: Wait, you don't mean-

Artemis: BUTLEEEEERRRR!!!!!

Juliet: Um, Yeah….

Artemis: BUTLEEEEEERRRR!!!!!

Holly: Oh d'arvit, we're all going to die.

Artemis: Why, there you are Butler! Where EVER have you been?

Juliet: Umm… Artemis?

Artemis: What is it Juliet? Butler and I are quite annoyed that you have interrupted our tea party. I, for one, am going to have to talk to someone about your belligerence and total disregard for the privacy of others.

Juliet: Butler's not here, Smarty-Arty.

**I'm sorry; the content of Artemis's response has been deemed Too Disturbing And Inappropriate for anyone under the age of Seba Nile.**

Holly: Wowza , Artemis . Someone's got oatmeal in their shorts.

Artemis: HIS OR HER, D'ARVIT!!!!

Juliet: Fisha B. Kool.

Holly: Um, What the Magulagrek?

Juliet: It's my new name. Call meh Fisha, people!!! That means you too, Authoress.

_***!THUNDER!***_

Holly: Oh, that's SO incredible. No, seriously. Don't kill meh!

Artemis: WHY DON"T YOU LOVE ME??? WAHHHH!!!! I think I need a hug.*pouts*

Juliet: Oh Lordy, my goose. HEY! It's Fisha! My Name is Fisha, and that's my name! All right, YEAH, YEAH! That's my name, it's Fisha, YEAH!

_***!THUNDER!***_

Artemis: I feel preetyyy!!!!! And OMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!

Holly: *pulls out a gun* NOBODY MOVE!

Everyone: *Freezes*

Holly: All right, Gimme all your valeueueueueuables.

Everyone: *give holly the Shtuff*

Artemis: Is a Secret Armani Underwear Only Allowed To Be Worn By Famous People Or People Who Can Steal Shtuff From Famous People considered a valueueueueueueueable?

Holly: Depends. Have you worn it?

Artemis: YOU"LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE, YA EVIL RANCID CHICKEN!!! NONE KNOW YOUR SECRET IDENTITY!!!!

Chicken: Oh Noes!

Artemis: IT IS THE VILLAN OF TWILIGHT!!!

Chicken : Wait….What the Magulagrek?

Artemis: You're the one who killed the cat that was supposed to accompany Bella to Seattle and save her from the Clique du Freak! You tweaked the fairy dust and sent her into a coma for twenty thousand years! You were the one who bribed her tutor into only teaching her the sentence "I like to play with live grenades" in Scandinavian, and then sent her to Scandinavia, and told her to say it again and again to every person she met!! You are the Lord of the Vampaneze!

Holly: Hey! Gimme all your money! I'm the one with the pickle!

Juliet: Oh Noes! I thought it was just a gun!

Artemis: A PICKLE???? OH MY ARMANI UNDERWEAR WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE! YOU PUT A PICKLE IN THE HANDS OF SOMEONE AS UNSTABLE AS HOLLY SHORT? SHE WAS PROBLY TEASED ALOT IN SCHOOL GROWING UP!! SHE HAS RED HAIR, FOR THE UNDERWEAR'S SAKE! WE'RE GONNA DIE! I WAN'T TO TAKE OUT MY MUTAL FUND!!!!! BEFORE I DIE, I WANT TO TELL YOU ALL THAT THERE'S NO BETTER BANK THAN BANK OF AMERICA!!! OPEN AN ACCOUNT THERE TODAY!!!!!

Holly: Umm….I'm going to go now.

Juliet: Why?

Holly: There might be… a bomb….in Artemis…

Artemis: I'm a wittle baybee bumble beee…. *hums longer than it takes to buy a particular fat dude thirty nine million, seven hundred fifty one thousand, three hundred ninety-two donuts in varying flavors and icings and sprinkle colors.*

Juliet: I just realized something….

Holly: What Julla-Bee? If it has to do with Artemis being insane, don't worry, we know. We ALL know. *creeper eyes: creeper smile*

Juliet: There's a llama in the room.

Llama: *doesn't say anything. Just sits there, being a llama, and doing llama things, like…..breathing?*

Holly: There's a llama.

Juliet: What's it doing here?

Holly: I don't know.

Juliet: Should we do something?

Holly: What should we do?

Juliet: There's a llama in the room.

Holly: What should we do?

Artemis: OH MY MAGULAGREK! *Shoots llama* I'm a wittle baybee bubble bee….

Holly: Don't look now, but there's a dead llama in the room.

Juliet: OH MY MAGULAGREK!!!!! EEEEKKKKKK!!!!!

Angel That Looks Suspiciously Like Butler: Didn't I ever tell you Juliet had an irrational fear of dead llamas? *flies away*

Holly: *Skips around in a circle* I like cookies!!!!

Artemis: I like trains….*train runs him over*

Everyone: ….

Holly: Hey, where'd you think I got the cake bomb from? Venetian Princess?

Artemis: Wait, that was cake????

Juliet: Atemis! You're an alive child!! How? Was it some wonderful and imaginative plan that will make us marvel at your geniuslyness? Or was it an incredibly stupid plan that will make us wonder if the authoress is sane?

Artemis: I jumped through the whole in the fourth wall eight before the train hit, and fought my way though thousands of Mary Sues (By the Way, did you know they all have an irrational fear of striped socks with oatmeal inside them? Coincidence? I THINK NOT! This is SOOO going to win me a Somewhat Noblish Prize) and returned here before the plot. I CAN SAVE YOU FROM THE FUTURE!!! Or I could go buy stocks….

Juliet: DIE POTATO!

Potato: Aiiiiii!!!!! *Splat*

Holly: You guys, don't look now, but we're being followed by Chinese people.

Chinese people: *blink*

Juliet: Stop!

Holly and Arty: *Stop*

Chinese people: *stop too, in order to make it obvious that they are following the Butler, Short, and Fowl*

Chinese people: *start taking pictures of the Kiddos and Shorty*

Artemis: OH MY MAGULAGRK, WHAT THE MAGULAGREK ARE YOU DOING???

Chinese people: We like taking pictures of five dollar bills!

Aretmis: WHAT TH-

Chinese people: Five dollar bills, five dollar bills! *snap pictures*

Artemis: WHAT TH-

Holly: *shoots everyone* Ahhh… tranquility…*eats cake*….ahhh….

_**BOOM**_

**The End!**

**All right you humans, review! **

**Are you men, or mice???**

**Horse: …**


	3. The RETURN of the AUTHORESS!

'**Sup humans?**

**Well this is the negative ellevnty-fifth installment of my Charming Delightful, and Wonderfully Sane fanfic, an the cue card holders are totally dead, because they are standing upside down AND I CAN"T READ UPSIDE DOWN!!!**

**Cue Card Holders: But we're tied from are ankles, Authoress!**

**Authoress: Almighty Authoress to you, dill-filled-gills.**

**CCH: Can you just get us down????**

**Authoress: Sure.**

**CCH: *are flung into to the darkest abysms of Space and Time and Cheese and, most importantly, Down.***

**Authoress: What? They said DOWN! The essence of non-cheese!**

**And on that oh-so- charmingly delightfuland wonderfully sane note, we begin our fic.**

Artemis: Why do I get the feeling this isn't going to end well for me?

Authoress: I dunno, because you're the main charater of one of my favorite books?

Randomees: Authoress! You have _**RETURNED! **_And brought with you the God of Random All-Capsitalization, Bolding, Underlining, and Italicing!

_**GoRACBUaI: YEAH, AND I AM READY TO PAR-TEY! WHERE ARE THER RANDOMEES? C'MON THEY INVOKE MY NAME WITH EVERY BREATH, AND SQUEE TO THE HEAVENS! **_

Authoress: That was terrifying. Hey! It's Chix!

Chix: *poofs in* Where am I? What the Frond is this? WH- oh hey, Holly. Wanna catch a Mud Man and torture him to death? Or a movie! That sounds like less work.

Trouble: Getcher mits off my girl, Verbil. Or I'll feed you to the fangirls! MUAHAHAHA!

Opal: Evil plan senses, buzzingggg!

Juliet: HI- YAH! *karate chops Opal* See, why didn't you just do that in the second book Smarty-Arty?

Artemis: Don't. Call. Me. ARTY!!! *morphs into a thing that can lift 1000 times as much weight as he could before*Oh, cool. I can lift a peanut! *lifts peanut* Oh yeah, I'm buff.

Holly: I think all the strength has gone to his head. As in, lowered his IQ by about…well about the combined score of Chix and Trouble.

Chix and Trouble: Oh Holly. You're so funny and witty. Let's move to a cottage by the sea and raise a family with one million five children, two dog, and a marshmallow named Patty.

Patty: Noooooo!!!!! I have to live with Holly and her Tendancy To Get The House In Which She Lives Blown Up! I'm going to get marhmellow skin cancer! And then I'll be EATEN! CURSE YOU, MUD PEOPLE!

Artemis: Hey aren't marshmallows distantly related to fairies? I know this because I am WAY smarter than all of you and have access to information that you don't. It is called, The Store of Information Given to People Who Don't Really Need It. You get it when you're IQ goes over the Largest Number Ever.

Holly: SAVE THE SHMELLOWS!!! LET OUR COUSINS (SEVENTEEN BAJILLION TIMES REMOVED) NOT BE GIVEN SKIN CANCER AND THEN *GASP* EATEN! SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAVE THEM, YOU HEARTLESS BLEEPERS!

Root: I say No!

Everone: (dotdotdot) HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Good one Rooty.

Rooty: Yeah, that was funny. DON"T CALL ME ROOTY!

Everone: (dotdotdot) HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Good one Rooty Frooty.

Butler: I dreamed a dream!!!!!

Juliet: Yeah, and you achieved it, so shaddup and buy me consolation pie!

Butter: Sure Julie, jut don't burst into tears and sing sad country songs. We're all disturbed enough here.

Authoress: Yeah, seriously. Butter is right.

Butter: BUTTER??????

Authoress: You're referring to yourself in the *gasp* *shudder* THIRD PERSON! Call the TPP!!!

Third Person Police: Hand over the insanity and no one gets hurt. Except you.

Dobby: Don't listen to heeeeeemmmmm…..

The Rock: The Rock says no.

TPP: *Beat him with applesauce*

Applesauce: I was bullied by Fruit Sanx as a child! So I take it out on people MUCH bigger than me. It's all good, unless you're a Motts.

Opal: I'm BACK, people! And I got my hair cut, innit purtey???

Holly: Oh my Frond! Truffles!

Opal: WHERE WHERE WHERE WHERE??????????? OH MY FROND WHERE?!? *looks around violently (yes, you can do that) for the truffles * WHERE!????? *stats to run around faster that you can say, "1 (one) is a number, numeral, and the name of the glyph representing that number. It represents a single entity, the unit of counting or measurement. For example, a line segment of "unit length" is a line segment of length 1." *

Juliet: That was easy. So easy, in fact, that I'm going to start singing Lady Gaga! Be the Cause she rocks the socks of everything that has ever walked the face of anything that has ever orbited around anything that has gravitational force, and should NEVER EVER be parodied! EVER!

The Rabii: Kosher Face! (She's got to eat non-kosher) K-k-k-kosher face, K-k-ko-

Juliet: GAH!!! Oh my Frond!!!

Holly: No! The Official Parody is OUTER SPACE!!!!

Artemis: I personally like Pinochle Phiz.

Authoress: YOU'RE _IRISH_, D'ARVIT!! Rock the accent and the lifestyle, and the stolen Armani Underwear.

Matt Daemon: Hey….I just lost my Armani Underwear….

Mulch: Nooooo, that was me, remember your Oscar got stolen that day too.

Matty: Who cares about the Oscar??? MY UNDERWEAR!!! It was so young…

Mulch: Do you want it back?

Matty: Depends. Did you wear it?

Holly: Two Four Six Eight! I like to beat up Artemis Fowl!

Artemis: That did not rhyme!

Holly: *beats up Arty the One Who Can Lift Peanuts*

Artemis: Owl! Owl! Owl! Owl! Owl! Owl! Owl! Owl! Owl!

Authoress: That sooo wasn't Mildly Hilarious.

Everyone: Y-y-yes it was. No need to try to make the fic more interesting by torturing us!

Authoress: I think I'll give you all an irrational fear of penguins.

Penguins: HEY! We have the right not to-

Them all: AHHHHH!!!!! _PENGUINS_!!!! *scream and run around in small circles*

Authoress: Oh, the world is fine….

**And that's a WRAP, D'Arvit! Don't pressure me! I live a –**

**Monkey: Oh, shapddup.**

**Whatever, Monkey. I RANT TO LIVE! I LIVE TO RANT! I EAT TO BREATHE! I SWIM TO JUMP! I REVIEW TO MAKE THE AUTHORESS SLIGHTLY SANE!**

**No, that's you. Or It better be…. if you'd like to keep the last cookie.**

**CURSES TO YOU! Unless you review!!!!**

**Oh, fine!**

**Itches on your nose! Unless you press that button!**

**Yeah, That didn't rhyme! Watcha gonna do about it?????**

**Oh, yeah…not review….yeah…**

***Star Trek Music***

**Ending…… BLUMP!**


	4. The Cult of CHEESE!

**Hezzo, my people!**

**I like pie!!!!!! Cuz is good when it smushes on Smartemis's face. It makes gooky noises. **

**Oh my FROND! I'm BEING ATTACKED BY FLAMINYGOS! They are tring to steal my Pink. And by Pink, I mean Red, by which I mean green, by which I mean magenta-crintine. And by that I mean lungs. Look here, see what they did.**

***Flashback***

**Authoress: Oh my Frond! Flaminygos! Heyz, 'minygos. WANT PIE??!?**

**Flamniygos: Hey, it says gullible on the ceiling. **

**Authoress: *looks up* Oh, so it does *looks down* - Ah, you stole my lungs.**

***end Flashback***

**And so they did. But it's OK! I ate a Starburst and my lungs grew back. Is it srady that I eat Starbursts when my lungs get stoleneed? No. No it is not.**

Artemis: I think it's about time there was a plot.

Holly: HAHAHA….yeah…he's kidding Authoress, don't feel the need to torture us…

Authoress: Hmm…. I don't know about that Holly-ella. Plot's can be good fun, and Opal Koboi has been going through a non-life crisis. She might need an evil plan, or eat too much chocolate to move, take up mind control, become a Jedi, and use her powers to ask the Star 439 Creatures to eat Artemis's Armani Underwear, and-

Artemis: NOT MY UNDERWEAR D'ARVIT!!!

Juliet: Dude. Did you just interrupt the Authoress?

Artemis: *with utter confidence* No.

Everyone: Something about that makes my want to follow you into the inside of a volcano, or help you steal Opal's truffles. Here, have my life's savings!

Artemis: Oh boy! It's cult-starting time!

Authoress: This has taken an interesting twist. I'll think I'll fund the villain who is actually-

Plot Spoilers: Stop! Right There! *pause* FREEZE! *Make strange dance-like movements while screaming like goldfish and pretending to be squishy* You cannot (not not) Spoil (oil oil)Your (or or) plot (t t) TWISTS! And SHOUTS! Yeah!!! *retreat*

Authoress: - and buy a red ice cream bone. THE END! So bye now! I'll miss you all! But that doesn't mean I won't kill you.

Artemis: CHEESE!

Everyone: What the…

Artemis: No, hear me out. I think that the universe was originally made out of Flying Fish. But then some of them evolved into cats, and ate the ones that didn't evolve. So now there were just cats in the entire universe, and some Flying Fish that didn't get eaten. Then the Flying Fish Fled to a Fabulous Flurry of Frontlines, or cheese. So the Flying Fish ate the cheese (They're probably sorry that it looked so deliciouslily) , and turned into the Universe. So we must ask ourselves, "WHERE IS THAT CHEESE?" and "WHERE CAN WE GET IT?" and " WHY DID IT DO THAT?" and " WHERE IS MY MOUSE?" and "WHY IS THE WATER YELLOW TOMMOROW?" And that is why I want one hundred million dollars to begin my quest for Cheese.

: HAHAHAHA….No.

Angeline Fowl: We know you're just going to steal it anyway, Smartemis , but we're still not giving you the moneys. This is so you will know that We Is In Charge.

Artemis: *cries*Also, shouldn't it be "we _are_ in charge"?

Angeline: If you shut up right now, I won't make you sleep in the shed. If you humbly say, "Ma googdelop Fre monche" I won't make you bunk with the new pet tiger.

Artemis: Shouldn't it be, "_Me _googdelop Fre monche"?

Holly: Oh my FROND! Time just stopped! It exempted me and Arty-bella, because the Universe is a crazy shipper.

Crazy Shippers: We're not crazy! We will now write one million lemon fanfics to prove to you THAT IT COULD HAPPEN!

Crazy Anti-Shippers: Bring it on, five connected circles, acorn, hexagon divided into six sections, U shape with a dot through it with a dot in the base, box with lines coming out of it.

Logical Humans: Well, in truth, both sides have- *all die*

Artemis: While they may have been logical, they were quite stupid. *Smiles in a devilishly awesome way and winks at the fangirls*

Fangirls: *some faint, but most are worked up into a Squee and trample him*

Authoress: While he may have been a genius, he still had the _atarandado-_ness to irk the Authoress.

Mulch: I have a feeling…it's not a good feeling…I. AM. FARTIMUS. HEAR ME ROAR! *roars*

Fans: No. That was not mildly amusing.

Artemis: There was once a cheese…and he said to the sun…that you should give Artemis Fowl money… so that he may have cheese….and kill you…and sell your organs on eBay…

Induhviduals: We believe. *give Fowly the moneys*

Artemis: I now you will see…the benefits…of talking…very…slow…ly…

Induhviduals: We believe. *give Fowly-la so much money that he decides that a life of crime is boring and decides to build a City of Fowl, despite the fact that the residents will have to endure puns from Ivy league'ers . In other words, use a pun, go to Yale*

Jon Spiro: What if I DON'T believe? What if I say he's just a boy, admittatly a genius boy that kicked my butt to last week so many times that I have written a paper about how annoying Fowl is the REAL Fountain of Youth?

Artemis: Juliet.

Juliet: *pulls down Spiro's pants* I'd say that that's good talk coming from a person who wears Non-Armani Underwear. You are such an Artibee.

Normal Human: What? And why am I all alone….

Everyone but the Normal Human Who We Will Call Pat: Ohh…what an odd thing…it appears to have no mental defects…

Artemis: LET'S KILL IT!

Authoress: No, stop hasslin' Patters. Now Pattamer, no answer your questions, an Artibee is an Artemis wannabe. And you are all alone because way back in chapter two I killed all the logical people. You must be normal, but illogical. How strange….

Randomee #809: Queen Majik, WHAT"S WITH ALL THE LOGICALNESS???? I think the smudge on my nose is behind this!

Randomee #93: No, the smudge on MY nose is plotting to kill The Essence of Fish, WITHOUT FIRST CONSULTING THE SMUDGE UNION.

Smudge Union: *cackles* But seriously. Give us more money.

Randomee: #451: This is NOT FUNNYZ! WE NEED A MONKEY WHO KNOWS HOW TO EAT PIE BAKED WITH APPLES WEARING PENGUIN SUIT WITH-

Everyone: AHHHHH!!!!!! PENGUINS!!!!!!!! *run around in small circles until they fall down from exhaustion, rest for awhile (still screaming) get up and then faint from exhaustion, stay faint until they wake up and repeat the cycle until the Authoress bonks them on the head with her _**BIG BRIGHT ORANGE RUBBER MALLET**_* Ouchies. BUT AHHHH!!! *Stop at the glint in the Authoress's mallet's thing-that-resembles-an-eye*

Mallet: Ahh… the power of _**BIG BRIGHT ORANGE RUBBERINESS**_! And glints. Let's not forget about those gosh darned scary-crazy glints.

Mulch: …I want a mallet…

**Well, not that this hasn't been fun, but I get the feeling my soul might die if I spend any more time with you.**

**Monkey: ….**

**Shaddupp. **

**I think he's stolen my mallet. What gives me that impression, you might ask? Well, he was near my **_**MALLET BAG**_** yesterday, and he has it in his hand right now, and he's yelling "I HAVE FINALLY STOLEN THE ORANGE MALLET! THE ENTIRE WORLD SHALL BE MINE!"**

**But still…he IS deranged…**

**Ah weseels.**

**G'Bie 'umans!**


	5. Plots Are Saddened and Abandoned

'**ello 'umans!**

**On this glorious day I say t- WAIT! **

**I gots ta prep.**

**Blah Blai Bloopo Blummers. Bwooo… Bwooo.. Bwa! Bwa!**

**Ohhhh……! Even if the sound of it is Summat Quite Hilaris. Did you know that I have never owned any Artemis Fowlis? !!! **

**Twoot! Twoo doo dooo! Ah, Shaddap, Spellcheck. **

**That is BAR NONE the Best Disclaimer of All The Time Where Books, Authors, Fiction, Miffed People, Lawyers, Copyrights, and Lovely Lampshades Have Existed. I wants my award. **

**So this is the fwourth inthall-mint of the twime Thmarty-Arty went to Pwanet (Deep Breath) . Well, IT SHOULD BE! You know, If I was less…A-pa-the-tic….-o. Wells, it's where we fall in. **_**TIME**_** to **_**Start**_** tHE **_**Ficcy**_**! **

Artemis: So, like, Ohmigwad, I was walking along the...place were there's water and sand and stuff… and I saw a girl with BLUE HAIR! Like, Oh. My. Gwad. And I was like, 'ohmigwad girlfriend do you have, like blue hair?' and she was like, Eye Roll and then she, like, PUNCHED ME in the face! And I was like, 'Ow'! Cuz it hurted.

Authoress: But isn't it easy to imagine?? No, my dear reader-humans, I have not given my brain to monkeys for them to play shuffleboard with, but only if it's not snow weather then they'd play curling. I HAVE, however, gotten my NEWEST BATCH OF CLICHÉS!!! YAYA! *does something that some people might consider dancing, but most would consider a major health problem while attempting to impersonate a Spy Fish*

Delivery WOMAN: Dude, pay up! I've been standing here for three minutes! The maggots in [Mulch]'s hair are trying to eat the zombies I'm about to deliver to….no one…

Noh Won: Yayz! *to the tune of It's A Small World* I'm getting my zombies, I'm getting my zombies! I've been waiting for three million, two hundred fifteen thousand five years. I' am going to kill the workers at Zombie Suppiers Inc. first!

Holly: Chick Chick! Boom!

Chix: Holly???? Was that the sound of you calling my name?? Are we going to-

Mulch: I wouldn't be annoying enough to make Opal the Narcissistic suicide herself today, Chix. Someone stole Holly's gun…and her pickle!

Everyone: *gasps* Oh Frond. This will not end well.

Holly: Shaddup, everyone! Chick chick! Boom! MUAHAHAHA!

Authoress: CANADA!

People: *stare* *tilt heads sideways* *edge away*

Foaly: Muahahaha! Finally all the people have come under my control! I can make them do things simultaneously! I now avait further directions from the Tin Hat from Eeilthtkstherestoppevquesopl ! I seem to be developing a German accent. Oh dear. This is bad.

German Flamers: Attack za von who stereotypes Germans!

Authoress: Lookie! Pie!

Everyone (including the authoress): What does that have to do with anything?

Authoress: It gave me time to pull out Holly's (dundundun) pickle! *has pickle, and is pointing it menacingly at the Flaming Germans* MUAHAHA!

Artemis: I hate to be the voice of reason-

Authoress: Wells, yeah, Arty-Blarty. People who reveal themselves to be the voice of reason will be banished to the farthest and darkest corners of the under-my-bed where they will live for seventeen million seconds, eventually befriend the citizens Lost Colony of Things the Authoress Has Lost, and eventually come to a tragic demise, involving pie, plastic plants, and the LCoTtAHL army of iPod headphones, Purple With Stars Division. So, duh.

Artemis: As I was saying before the Authoress so rudely interrupted me,-

Authoress: Yeah, as if.

Artemis: -I believe in things that have sometimes proclaimed to be rabid, and Authoress should be called Mellindabelly.

Authoress: Ah, stupid reason. Carry on.

Mulch: HEY!

Humans…and Fairy-people( including Mulch): What?

Mulch: Isn't anyone going to ask how the Ever Incompetent at Stealing Shtuff Authoress managed to steal. Holly's Most Prized Possession? Doesn't anyone wonder why Holly has become insane so quickly? Aren't you all wondering where Opal Koboi is? CAN"T YOU THINK OF ONE SINGLE PERSON WHO MIGHT BE RESPONSIBLE FOR ALL THAT???

People: No.

Mulch: Really? Because I was thinking maybe it was a kender by the name of…. Tasslehoff Burrfoot!

Artemis: Umm…who?

Authoress: OMFG!

Everyone: Old Maria's Flying Goose!!!!

Authoress: Artemis. Doesn't. Know. SOMETHING????

Logical people: Oh yes! We're back! To mark our return, we will tell you that Artemis displays ignorance sometimes, though not often, as you, Authoress, are well aware, so your statement- *all die*

Holly: MUAHAHA! While you all were talking about Artemis's stupidness, I was…. BUYING ANOUTHER PICKLE!!!!

Holly's long Lost Sister Who Has Mysteriously Appeared: Oh, *bleep*.

Holly: Sister-person!

**As you can probably tell, this will not end well.**

HLLSWHMA: Yes, It is I! Back from the supposed-dead!

Artemis: This is strange. So strange, in fact, that I will interrogate everyone in sight to attempt to defeat the (**Buln blun blun**) Five-people-dying-away from- being –a –Duke of Ignorance!

FPDAFBADOI: Hey.

HLLSWHMA: We both have long names that have to be acronymed into things that no-one-

Noh Won: Hey.

HLLSWHMA: can pronounce, any yet the Ever-Insane Authoress Insists on reading as a word!

Audience: Wait, we thought that you were supposed to pronounce her name aych, el, el, es, double yoo, aych, em , ay.

Authoress: Nope.

Audience: So, it's Hllswhma?

Authoress: Yep.

Audience: And Fpdafbadoi?

Authoress: If you ask me more short and un-funny questions I will feed you to a Lili, a Trouble, and a Beetroot.

Humans: Oh my!

Fairies: *are slowly taking over the world, while the humans are quoting their own movies*

Hllswhma: AS I WAS SAYING… It is clearly meant to be!

Foaly: Yeah, as if. You think just because you're a sister of the main character AND a product of a deranged mind-

Authoress: You do realize I'm the Authoress, right?

Foaly: that you can just pick up YOUR plot again? I mean, I was going to take over the world by listening to directions of a Tin Hat, but do you see me complaining?

Authoress: Yes.

Artemis: Are you aware that he just, to put it colloquially, dissed you?

Authoress: Oh, yeah. Twanks Far Remyndin Meh, Thmarty-Arty!

***Ka-boom***

Holly: Foaly? Artemis? Where…? What…?

Authoress: Haven't you read my fanfiction? _Mon Dieu!_

Miranda_: Sacre merde!_ The Authoress stole my thing!

Artemis: Miranda!

Holly: *insert appropriate facial expression, neener neener, neener neener neener, appropriate facial expression!*

Root: Wait, he came back? I thought he'd been Ka-boomed?

Artemis: If I trade away a piece of my sanity, I get to come back from the dead! YAY! I LOVE BEING ME!

Juliet: So what did you trade away this time, Arty-the- Plarty?

Artemis: AHHHH!!!!! FEMALE!!!!!

Authoress: Wait! Wait wait! Wait wait wait! Wait wait wait wait! Wait wait wait-

Beetroot: WHAT? Ahhh! My name's not BEETROOT!

Authoress: If you don't want an annoying nickname, then don't interrupt the Authoress. But anyway, Arty can't be scared of females! What kind of crazy shipper jokes can I make then? Don't answer that. TO THE HEADQUARTERS!!!!!!!

Vice President of Quality Returning From the Dead Reimbursements: Sorry. Have a complimentary pen.

Authoress: *makes threatening gestures with a spork*

Vpoqrftdr: Did I say pen? I meant Arty's Sanity.

Authoress: Not ALL of it! Then I'd have to change the title!

Artemis: Should I just give up trying to get people to call me by my REAL NAME????

Holly: Yes.

Foaly: So….Today I'm going to teach you all about network computers! Networking computers is a complex process with a variety of options, each dictating use of specific hardware, cabling and software. When connecting to an existing network, your network administrator should be able to tell you how to connect. These steps are for a Windows-based computer. Purchase the required hardware and cabling for the type of network you want to use. If the network doesn't yet exist, decide on a network type: for a client/server network, you need a hub to connect the computer to; for a peer-to-peer network, you just need a cable. Then choose the data-transfer protocol (typically Ethernet) for the network you-

Juliet: Oh, I'm sorry Foaly, were you talking?

Atemis: It appears as if I have become, mildly, ever so slightly, just the tiniest bit, bored.

Butler: BORED???? EVERYBODY DOWN! *shoots Foaly with a water gun*.

Artemis: Ahhh…thank you Butler. I'll have to speak to father about giving you a .0000001 percent raise.

Butler: OH boy! Now I'll be making 7.140000014 dollars a year! I'll be able to buy FOOD!

Artemis's Cook: I want a raise.

Holly: QUACK!

Everybody: *stare*

Holly: Do I need a reason?

Artemis: Authoress, this is clearly not the time for random humour! This situation clearly calls fo-

***ka-boom***

Authoress: Have you ever noticed how Artemis's voice gets high and squeaky when I make it that way?

**The End….of the chapter.**

**What, did you honestly think you would get off that easily?? HA!**

**Monkey: *Fells pressured because he has to do somthing amusing and original at the end of EACH Chapper!* Hoo. Hoo. Ha. Ha.**

**He's really lost his sparkle.**

**REVIEW, You HUMANS!**

**I'm tellin' YOU/ to Review /This fic/ Cos it is sick/ly awesome and wonderful!**

**Well, see you….sometime…. Hopfuly…I'm my rapping didn't kill you.**

**Oh shim, now I've told you that I was rapping, not just writing with random slashes!!**

**Ah, vezzles. WDID! To the person who tells me what that stand for, I will give the most prettifullest e-cookie anyone has ever seen!**

**Angeline: Bet on it???**

**I'm backing away slowly….. **


	6. Randome Korea Plea: Colon Use Fail

Hey, you loyal reader people, *crickets in the distance* ….

Eh, whatever.

Well, any of you lovely users, and those who are given this via stumbleupon or whatever:

I am shamelessly begging:

READ MY ESSAY. And comment. (It's like reviews but also more like a cage fight of internet trolls.)

..us/wpmu/eng9c/2011/04/09/life-behind-the-bamboo-curtain/

Srsly, y'all.

It's about North Korea.

It's kind of depressing, but be valiant internet vigilantes and defend me in the comments section...

As a kind of incentive: Although I've long ago abandoned my stories, I will legitimately add a chapter to EACH for every three *good* comments the thing gets…


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